I know I need to have this conversation, so I’m going to have it. C.S. Lewis says that if you want things to change, you pretend like they already have and pretty soon they will. Or something like that. This conversation will be an attempt at being someone I’m not…or haven’t been until now in hopes that I will become that person someday. But when I really think about it, I’m not so sure I even want to be that person…or I guess I just don’t know what it looks like on me.
So maybe this is like the dressing room, I’m going to try on this attribute and see how I like it on me.
Things always look better on the mannequin.
In China, the best and worst part of my two years there was my team. We called it the team but we played so many roles in each other’s lives. Family…making cakes for birthdays, sitting at a long table together at Thanksgiving, opening presents together at Christmas, tucking kids in bed, family dinners. Co-workers…taking tasks and splitting them up, working together toward goals, long meetings, hashing through strategic methods and vision casting. Classmates…sitting for hours on end being compared to each other by brutal teachers…”No, that’s wrong. Listen to Zack..he says it right. He is a better student.” Church friends…the nine of us huddled together in a living room singing lightly to the guitar and listening to a recording of our home pastor on someone’s laptop. Roommates…sharing bathrooms, taking turns getting water down the hall, paying electricity bills, who gets the TV, who needs to just talk in the middle of the night. And friends…watching movies together, going to dinner, traveling, riding bikes. Just nine of us…for two years.
We knew each other pretty well.
Each year we had a review done…just like a normal job. It was called the 360 because it was supposed to evaluate everything about you. The worst part of it was that the people doing the evaluation really knew me and everything about me.
The word that kept popping up on my review that kind of encompassed the majority of my issues was “vulnerability.” Apparently I had none.
I’ve spent a long time since then trying to figure out what that really means and what it looks like. I mean, I’m pretty open…not a closed off person. I know how to bond with people and be a friend. What’s the difference between being open and being vulnerable?
I assume it has something to do with pride, which I have been aware of for a while. Not wanting people to know I have problems. Phrasing what I’m going through in ways that make people believe I have it all under control…that I don’t need help. If I let someone know that I have hopes and dreams, that I have desires…and they aren’t met, I will be pitied. I refuse to be pitied.
But as I’ve thought about it more and more, I think it has a lot more to do with insecurities than pride. Feeling that people won’t accept me if they know I have problems…so I guess insecurities hinge on trust. I have to get to a place where I trust people enough to let them into my problems. To think highly enough of others to believe that they won’t run away or reject me….or annoy me.
The unvulnerable person builds up walls around different parts of them, so they can never be fully known. And the one thing they really want…to be liked and accepted…becomes impossible because the opportunity hasn’t been given. No one can accept something they aren’t given. They isolate themselves without even knowing it. Enter loneliness, fear, more insecurities, higher walls.
The vulnerable person is fully known. They let others into their hopes and dreams…then they have someone there when those dreams fall apart and someone there to celebrate when they are met. When one person rejects a side of who they are, they have a whole slew of others right by them who know them and love them anyway.
We cannot possibly build self-esteem on our own. Self-esteem doesn’t have much to do with self, I don’t think. We derive it from others, and more importantly from what we give to others. And the giver is never pitied.
For many, this is probably Relationships 101, but for me this is revolutionary. I feel like I’m getting it down more in my friendships…letting them in and reaping the benefits of closer friendships built on truth. The kind of rock solid friends that will stand the test of time. But I have so much to learn when it comes to relationship with…well…guys. This is where we catch back up to the conversation I need to have. I guess I just don’t trust them as much…which could be part of the whole “guarding my heart” mentality. But what’s so different about that and building up walls? I guess we’re supposed to be so wary of guys because they’re all out to get our virginity. What’s wrong with being open and honest…and there are some guys I really want to have a true, rock solid friendship with. The conversation that I need to have puts me in a very vulnerable position with a guy friend of mine. And I am stepping out of who I am naturally inclined to be in the hopes that I will come out with a great friend and not just a good one. Potentially it could just be very awkward, though. Dressing rooms are always awkward.
In the end, if I can have the confidence to say I’m open to risking rejection for the gain of intimacy…then that will be some real growth. For now, I just need to get through this conversation.
